1.25.2005

Here’s What!

“What the world needs now” is Admiral Stockdale... If it’s too loud, you’ve got too much tinitus... My gramma fell asleep under a sunlamp and has a flight tomorrow morning: Hey Homeland Security, give ’er a break!... If you wanna know where the bits of gold come from in the bottom of Goldschlager, check out Academy Award-winner "Shindler's List"... What’s your favorite mixed nut? Mine’s gotta be Lenny Kravitz’ right one... I kinda wish chivalry *were* dead: I recently put my coat over a mud puddle for a distressed lady – turns out there was a pothole under it and she broke her ankle in two places. Bitch sued me... Hey folks, Starbucks calling small a ‘venti’ is like me calling a Hummer a hummer... Neon lights – is it the color of the glass or the color of the gas?... I drank a Chardonnay last week with lipstick on the rim – sorry, but I guess I’m no longer single... I’d like to see a fight between Congresswoman Barbara Boxer and Native American City Councilwoman Wanda Hits Below The Belt... Sure, the Bahamas is third-world, but when’s the last time you enjoyed a refreshing Tunisian Mama?... Note to Phil Collins post-Live Aid: Your drumming is 8th grade at best... Things that make you go WHOOP: sitting in a meeting and inadvertently smelling your palm and wondering where the fuck you’ve been lately...

8 comments:

Grendel said...

Bro, you are to Larry King what Quentin Tarantino is to Melvin van Peebles. Will you please make "Here's What!" a regular column here? In a year we can publish the collection on IndyPublish.com.

How many martinis did this take?

gwarbot said...

Martinis?! Heck-fire, I just drank a Heineken and got jiggy widdit!

dunkeys said...

Grendel: is Bad-Asssssss any good?

Gwarbot: did you really come up with that whole post on your own? That's absolutely hilarious. Gold!

Grendel said...

"Baaadaaaaaasssssss" is well worth watching. What a character he must have been, endlessly fascinating to see Mario playing his father like that. Woke me up to soul cinema. Right afterward we rented "Sweet Sweetback's Baaadasss Song" and "Coffey," -- and THOSE were spectacular, MUCH better than the average white cop dramas of the period, Serpico or whatever. But watching "Baaadaaaasssss" first was a good idea cuz we knew what had gone on behind the scenes to make stuff happen. (The film crew got arrested at one point simply because they were black and had all that equipment -- Melvin had to come bail them out of jail!)

Grendel said...

Note: It's spelled "Coffy" and the sequel, "Foxy Brown," is just as good. Melvin had nothing to do with these movies, except as inspiration for Jack Hill. "Sweetback" proved there was a huge audience ready for black action pics that didn't tiptoe around whitie -- they blew him away instead, to wild cheering and screaming. "Baaaddaaassss!" led us to the "Badass Cinema" DVD. It's sad that I had never even heard of these films before. Now I've got "Trick Baby" and "Black Mama, White Mama" reserved at the video store. Better late than never I guess. They don't have "Watermelon Man," Melvin's first, I believe, there -- anyone seen that?

gwarbot said...

Dunkeys: Yes, all by my lonesome. Thanks for your comment!

dunkeys said...

Watermelon Man is probably the most ridiculous movie I've ever seen.

Grendel said...

Thanks for saving me $3, not that the movie is available, but I might have rented it. Yeah, they were ragging on that movie in "Baaaddaasss Cinema." That's the kind of film the white studios thought were appropriate for that audience, and it was Melvin's anger about that that led to doing "Sweet Sweetback".

Speaking of ridiculous movies, I finally saw "Cellular." What an annoying piece of time-wasting trash. Tracy and I kept looking at each other, mouths slightly open, noses involuntarily wrinkled, going, "It's supposed to be 'bad,' right, Like Scary Movie? They're being 'ironic,' right?" But it just got worse and worse until we switched it off in disgust. Satire is one thing, but bloody awful nonsensical satire that is indistinguishable from its supposed target should be a capital crime.