2.02.2005

Here's What! Vol. 2

Jeez, leave it to the Internet to make electrical home repair disgusting! Check out www.iluv3wayswitchers.com... Fair warning – my buddy and I drank Jager-bombs instead of X-Mas shopping for our families on Dec. 22: he's been demoted thrice and I'm in and out of traction... How do maggots vomit? Find out on a very special Nova tomorrow night... A middle-aged bachelor who wears purple velvet jackets, occasionally breaks into sensitive ballads, and regularly gives candy to children. Pedophile? Nope: Willy Wonka... Okay, point taken: Did my dentist have to angrily rub a fish stick in my mouth to illustrate my tartar problem?!... A friend of mine just turned 374 months; they’re so fun at this age!... Peter Framptom asked Do You Feel Like I Do? Hey Pete: No, I am not an obsequious alcoholic... Folks, I’ve been short of breath lately, so I got rid of ALL my plants. Those mothers are wicked-oxygen-hogs... I guess the auto transmission of a person going through gender-reassignment would be a “tranny’s tranny”?... Poor Ed and Valerie Van Halen – to think they traded Michael Jackson their son for the chance to play a solo on Beat It... I consider my bathroom, really, to be the staging area for the rest of my life... Perhaps a tad OCD? I cleanly ripped a bit of ragged skin by my fingernail all the way up to my shoulder... Last note to birds: Taking a bath in a mud puddle does NOT make you clean... I’m sorry, but even during the Grateful Dead’s seminal mid-70s jams, the vocals sounded exactly like karaoke night at Patty’s Whistle Stop Pub... Shhhh: you know that red drippy plastic on the top of the Maker’s Mark bottle? It’s Cindy Brady’s first menses. I know, it’s fucked up, but whatever...

2 comments:

Jason Marcuson said...

You have topped yourself with this one, dear Chum. HIGH-LARRY-US!

Grendel said...

HIGH-LARRY-US indeed. This is what it sounds like when Larry King spends a little too much time backstage with Snoop. The Willy Wonka one nearly destabilized my chair ... and how dare you befoul the sweet memory of Cindy Brady.