7.21.2005

To the wretched cowardly low-life who stole my bike

It cost me twenty dollars. I parked that bike all over the IC for three years and never once locked it. Never even thought about locking it. Last night, you saw it parked in front of the Java House and took it. How brave! How clever of you! Scratched to hell, rusted handlebars, slow leaks in both worn tires, only one brake worked -- it is a piece of junk, but it was mine. My mother always says we are not punished for our sins, but by our sins, which maybe doesn't seem to apply very well here, because now you are riding my bike around and I'm not, but the point is, the bike will never feel right to you, no matter how much you pretend it's yours. You will never feel 100% great riding that bike. Your eyes will be distracted, on the lookout for me! And the bike will never truly relax under your -- I hope -- fat, ugly ass, because it will always yearn for mine. Perhaps it or your guilty, imperfect attention will throw you just as a bus barrels by. Watch out.

You took a bit of the shine off Iowa City for me. Now I am suspicious of every bicyclist that passes by. I scrutinized with a sweaty scowl every bike I saw as I trudged home last night. This is a small town. I will know that bike when I see it, no matter how you try and disguise it, and when I do ... I will triumphantly reclaim it -- unless you lock it. A lock will cost you more than the bike cost me. You couldn't be bothered to find your own twenty-dollar bike, and if you shell out the cash for the lock, I hope the irony of that action chips away further at your puny, charcoal heart.

6 comments:

possum said...

You know, I had my bike stolen from the rack in front of John's. I was in the Foxie, drinking with Tyler, and when we emerged with our big-pupiled, bandy-legged selves, the bike was gone. We neither of us spoke, just turned and started walking down Gilbert toward home. I loved that bike. It had a taillight and good tires. It was the one nice thing I owned -- it cost me more than the 91 Mustang hatchback I drove then. Of course the car only cost 75 dollars, but still. It was a joy to ride that bike.

Those fuckers.

T-bone said...

First, my co-worker happens to have connections in the bike world, and she said the the Mayor's Youth program has started a bike library, where you can check out bikes for any length of time. At any rate, you should also check them out for getting another bike; they remodel bikes and sell them at low low prices. Second, Possum, I seem to recall that your bike was left for not 1, but 2 nights in front of John's. Not that that justifies such terrible behavior.

SER said...

My husband's bike was stolen on Iowa Avenue. It was from Wal-Mart originally, and it had a trick chain that was the result of a slapstick incident in which I convinced B. to let me drive him home one night, and we affixed the bike to the rack on my old Volvo, which happened to be in a parking garage, which in turn meant that as we then drove out of the parking garage, the ceiling lowered and the bike struck it and was ripped off the bike rack and was never the same after that - the chain would fall off at inopportune times, for one. So my point is, whoever took that bike probably got what they deserved.

PJKM said...

Grendel - maybe your bike was used in the recent robbery of the US Bank on Mormon Trek Blvd. If the police come around trying to finger you (as I believe you say in this country) for the crime, deny everything and call MSF or El Gordo right away.

possum said...

Was it two nights? Hmm. Shows how much I remember from those grand days.

Grendel said...

Thanks for the concern and commiseration. I got a new one today -- or rather, another used one, from Sweet Livin Antiques on Linn. The guy there, Paul, has a few dozen decent bikes. I am learning to love my new bike. And I got a lock.

If my old bike was involved in a robery, those poor critters aren't going to get far on it.