11.13.2006

El Gordo de Amore Interview, Mark 36

EG: It’s been a long time since we talked.

EGdA: Long time -- a lot of stuff going on.

EG: Like what?

EGdA: Well, the family is out of town for the next two weeks, so I have some time to work on my writing.

EG: You’re still doing that?

EGdA: Yea – kind of – I guess – I …

EG: And what have you been writing?

EGdA: Victorian Era erotica about a guy who teaches in a law school.

EG: Who seems very much like you – with some obvious fictions.

EGdA (laughing): Yea, the necrophilia and what not …

EG: I was talking about women being interested in you. The necrophilia seemed dead on.

EGdA: Oh. (sound that sounds like a duck – tape inaudible for several moments)

EGdA: I would consider that working, although the itching was unbearable.

EG: Hey, a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. Four years after graduating from Iowa – is this what you thought you would be up to?

EGdA: Probably not.

EG: We did. We had a betting pool. Dunkeys won.

EGdA: Oh.

EG: I thought Kclou was going to pull that one out – I really saw you lying drunk at the bottom of a Taco Bell dumpster.

EGdA: My wife always believed in …

EG: She had you writing press releases for the Bush Administration.

EGdA: Jesus? Really?

EG: I know – I’m sorry I was the one to tell you that. But, you’ve been pretty much sitting in molasses for years now.

EGdA: I had some babies –

EG: So, back to your writing, do you send these little “ero-idiocies” out?

EGdA: I sent two to McSweeney’s – Here’s the emails: “El Gordo:I'm going to pass on this one, but I do appreciate the look. Best, John Warner Website Editor McSweeney’s El Gordo:Not something for us, I'm afraid. Best, John Warner Website Editor
McSweeney’s”

EG: Wow – fame and fortune here you come!

EGdA: I haven’t heard back on the last one I sent.

EG: Don’t hold your breath.

EGdA: You are very mean.

EG: What are you going to do about it, lit boy, try to chop off my dangling modifier?

EGdA: Hey – honestly –

EG: Come on! Put them up! Stop holding them like a girl! I’m about to go all Blood Meridian on your ass!

EGdA: We don’t have to –

EG: Oh yes we do! Traca de Broon! CRY HAVOC AND LET LOOSE THE DOGS OF WAR! (a loud Valkyric scream comes from the kitchen, followed by banging doors and claws clattering on the floor)

EGdA: Ahhhhh!

EG: Feast! FEAST! Feast Grendel and Luka! FEAST! FEAST ON POP BOY AND HIS LITTLE SILLIES! FEAST ON HIS WASTED LIFE! FEAST!

EGdA: AAABBLAGOAGLAAHHKQLAPPAA! (sound of rending and fighting)

EG: But, I have to admit the mahogany desk was pretty good.

3 comments:

dunkeys said...

What I'm stunned to learn is that El Gordo somehow found out about that double-secret betting pool.

Come out to LA, dude!

gillymonster said...

Oh my. "FEAST ON POP BOY AND HIS LITTLE SILLIES!" I'm making every effort not to piss my pants at work after that one.

Grendel said...

DUCK, DOGS SUE WEB EROTICIST -- (AP) Massachusetts -- Perhaps taking a cue from recent lawsuits brought against Sacha Baron Cohen, a duck and two dogs filed suit Friday against El Gordo de Amore, who pens Internet erotica on an obscure blog.

"I was told I was to pretend to be violated for a fake interview," said Twaddles, the duck, in a statement to reporters. "But in fact El Gordo assaulted me. He tried to... he made me..." Twaddles could not continue and was led in tears from the press conference by his lawyer.

"We stand with Twaddles is objecting to the cruelty of El Gordo de Amore," said Grendel, one of two dogs portrayed in an online stunt in which El Gordo de Amore pretends to be interviewed by the blog that publishes his sex-soaked screeds. "We never barked or tried to attack him, as he claims in his 'interview'," agreed Luka, the other dog. "We are peaceful creatures undeserving of such a vicious, false portrayal."

El Gordo de Amore did not immediately return phone calls requesting comment on the suit.

The real identity of El Gordo de Amore is a matter of speculation. He has not come out of character since his salacious debut on the Web earlier this year and refuses to appear for interviews, preferring to interview himself randomly on the blog. A number of people have pointed to similarities in his writing to Henry Kissinger's memoir. Kissinger's press office categorically denies any involvement in the scandal. Others claim the reclusive literary genius Thomas Pynchon is behind the pseudo-Victorian e-bodice rippers.