Minutes from the London Olympic Committee RE: Beijing Closing Ceremonies

LadyDuff-Jordan: Cheerio! I am ever so excited that our fair city of London will be hosting the 2012 Olympics. It should be absolutely smashing and ever so posh! Our first order of business will be the last order for the Red Chinese -- namely, how will we "pass the baton" to our fair country. Yes, Lord Monty-Snogg?

Lord Monty-Snogg: I have an idea -- we get a double-decker bus! Bright red! Has London 2012 on the arrival placard!

Lady Eviscerist-Porcina: Sounds smashing! Absolutely crumpets!

Lord Monty-Snogg: And we have typical Londoners waiting for the bus -- you know, punks, guys in futuristic Blade Runner suits, one of the members of The Specials --

Lady Duff-Jordan: The Specials?

Lord Snooty-Boute: Ethnic music.

Lady Duff-Jordan: Smashing! I thought you'd want that twit McCartney again -- we use him for everything. I'm still trying to forget that "Freedom" song. But what does the bus do?

Lord Monty-Snogg: Well, it stops, and all the Londoners throw their newspapers and other garbage in the street --

Lord Snooty-Boute: Take that, Communist bastards!

Lord Monty-Snogg: Then they try to get on the bus. But they all rush it at the same time in slow motion. Then they all get stuck on the door frame --

Lady Duff-Jordan: Like Benny Hill!

Lord Snooty-Boute: Can we get them to do it really, really fast? And then some busty bird's blouse falls off?

Lord Monty-Snogg: Capital idea!

Lord Snooty-Boute: The sight of some pale, white flesh should get those Reds in a right lather! What what!

Lady Muff-Kensington: But what happens with the doorframe? This is ever so exciting!

Lord Monty-Snogg: Well -- a little girl is standing there and they all fall over.

Lady Duff-Gordon: Great -- the Chinese want to hand off a flower or a torch to show the passing of the Olympic spirit.

Lord Snooty-Boute: A flower? What Red propaganda is that? How about a cricket bat?

Lady Duff-Gordon: We will see. We might have to settle for something a little more universal.

Lord Snooty-Boute: It should be something athletic --and not one of those damn pink bullwhips from Rhythmic Gymnastics.

Lady Muff-Kensington: Although maybe a whip would be good for the "Benny Hill" bit?

Lady Duff-Gordon: Noted!

Lord Monty-Snogg: So, the little girl does the handoff, and then we show her walking on the backs of the average Londoners back to the bus.

Lord Snooty-Boute: Good! Shows their tax burden and reinforces the social schema. Make sure she steps on that ethnic musician!

Lord Monty-Snogg: Then the bus starts folding itself out like one of those Transformers. It rolls out -- people are like "Is that a robot?" Then some bird singer rises out of it. Is Winehouse still alive?

Lady Duff-Gordon: We can't count on that.

Lady Muff-Kensington: Just keep out McCartney.

Lord Monty-Snogg: And the best bit? She's singing with Jimmy Page! From Led Zeppelin? And he's playing "Whole Lotta Love." Buh bum dum dum -- dum dada dum dada dum dada dum -- buh bum dum dum. For world peace -- showing our love for the world, innit?

Nigel Schmee, Recording Secretary: Wait -- I think that song is about Robert Plant's penis.

Lord Duff-Gordon: Seen but not heard, Nigel. Seen but not heard! The youth vote should love it!

Schmee: But it really is about his penis.

Lord Monty-Snogg: Buh bum dum dum -dum dada dum dada dum dada dum.

Lady Muff-Kensington: Dada dum, dada dum!

Lady Duff-Gordon: And then what, Clive? I am on pins and needles!

Lord Monty-Snogg: Well, after they play -- another platform rises out of the Transformer and there's David Beckham! And a bird in hotpants playing a cello! And David kicks a soccer ball out into the crowd!

Lord Snooty-Boute: Bend it into their yellow heads, I say!

Schmee: Honestly -- have you listened to "Whole Lotta Love"?

Lady Duff-Gordon: Enough out of you! Guards! Remove him at once!

Lord Snooty-Boute: To the African colonies for you!

Lady Muff-Kensington: Ba dada dum dada dum dada dum!

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