El Gordo de Amore Interview 2

Earth Goat: We're glad you've agreed to come back.

El Gordo De Amore: Last time it didn't go so well.

EG: Well, we got rid of that guy. You have nothing to fear from me!

EA: Great!

EG: So, what are you working on?

EA: I'm on the fifth draft of my novel. It's about a fictional Eastern European country under a spell. It's extremely loosely based on my experiences working in Russia.

EG: Wow! That sounds craptastic!

EA: Well, uh -- What?

EG: So, how do you think you got into the Workshop?

EA: I don't know. I wonder about this alot, since the stuff I tend to like is not "typically workshop," but not really avant garde either. The story I turned in for my application ended up with some magical buffalo, and I --

EG: No, I meant because you're such a talentless hack. No one can understand how you got in, and believe me, I've asked some people. Hoo boy! I don't think Sherlock Fucking Holmes could figure out that little mystery! Watson? Watson! I need a little help here! What's the first story you turned in for the Workshop?

EA: It was about a law firm in the future that only represented clones. They were fighting each other over the original's assets.

EG: Boy, that sounds like a real shit fiesta! Weren't you up with Jennifer Haigh that day?

EA: Err, yes.

EG: I bet she turned in something beautiful.

EA: She did.

EG: And you wasted everyone's time with your zombie story?

EA: Clones.

EG: Whatever. Jennifer Haigh, now, that's a real writer! She was on the Today show, in Entertainment Weekly, won some big awards! How many awards, interviews, and television appearances have you had?

EA: Err -- none.

EG: And you haven't taken the hint yet? What do you want? A burning freaking bush? Faulkner's ghost to rise from the dead and tell you you suck? A letter from the Library Association? How guilty do you feel about Workshop time wasted on you that could have been used for Robert Rosenberg?

EA: Well, I err --

EG: You're not very articulate. Is this why no one at the Workshop likes you?

EA: They don't?

EG: No.

EA: Oh.

EG: Describe your body odor -- one, dead fish; two, regurgitated dead fish; or three, regurgitated dead fish reswallowed and pooped back out?

EA: Don't you think this is a little mean?

EG: I'm thinking choice three.

EA: (unitelligible noises. Sound like a duck).

EG: Your son is incredibly handsome and intelligent. Since this means you can't possibly be his father, how does it affect your writing?

EA: What? Really?

EG: It's KClou.

EA: Oh.

EG: You've obviously married beyond your station. How did you pull this off? Roofies?

EA: What? Man -- I've had enough of this. I'm going.

EG: Wait! I have 16 more pages of notes!

(unintellgible noises and a loud banging sound).


SER said...

You know, people are always talking about how "nice" Grendel is, but, frankly, I just don't see it.

kclou said...

i never touched lumpy.

Jane said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Jane said...

Oh, Gordo, don't be so hard on yourself. I'm sure you got into the Workshop the same legitimate way I did: a clerical error. So what if, as a result, the enormously talented Alice Puskell and John Soper are languishing at some two-bit community college MFA program? No one said the writing life was easy.

Grendel said...

N. Zdeb may have the best getting-into-the-workshop story. I wonder if she could be induced to tell it. Since she, along with Vieve, are the newest Goats.