4.13.2005

Hey, here's a great idea for a show: pole dancing meets Prairie Lights!

I was spending my usual Wednesday reading The Onion when I saw an ad for a new Pamela Anderson show called Stacked. The title alone should tell you it's on Fox. Anyway, Stripperella was lounging on a bunch of books, and the copy read "you can't judge a bookstore by its cover girl." How could I not click?

Now, TLB knows that I am a superstitious man. And with the Red Sox winning the World Series, the Pope dying, and Brad and Jen splitting up, I've been in the watchtower looking for the last Horseman. Well, I think I spotted his hoof dust.

You see, Pamela plays a woman named Sklyer who tires of making amateur porn videos with drummers and has run out of pieces of her body to replace with foam rubber. So she does what any starlet in need of a change of pace would do: start working at a bookstore. The bookstore is run by two brothers who (wait for it...) couldn't be more different. One is the highbrow pole-up-the-ass closet case (aka every character ever played by David Hyde Pierce). The other is the fun-loving Joey Bagadonuts brother who wants to have sex with her because she looks like a stripper (aka Kelsey Grammer's love life). Are you ready to laugh? Don't do it just yet, there's more.

See, there's another woman who works behind the espresso bar at the bookstore. She's the wisecracking, sarcastic female foil who we know isn't desirable because a) she's a brunette and b) her nipples are not pumped full of argon. The cherry on top of this shit sunday is Christopher Lloyd, playing the steady customer who's a retired rocket scientist. No word on whether he drives a fusion-powered DeLorean.

After I got done throwing up in my mouth, I thought about the whole death-of-reading argument. I realized that the problem isn't that people don't want to read or that too many books are being published or that the Attorney General has outlawed literature. It's that bookstores need gianormous pairs of fake tits to attract customers. (That would spice up LFPR a bit, though, wouldn't it?)

I can't believe SER and I didn't even make the cut in the Bravo sitcom contest yet this piece of baboon-scripted comedy anti-matter is on TV. Silly me, if I had just whacked myself in the head with a shovel a few dozen times before writing my script, I probably would be working at Fox right now.

9 comments:

SER said...

Brando, speaking of Bravo, any word on when our interlopers will be appearing on the television?

Brando said...

Sadly no, at least, Bravo hasn't put up anything on their Web site. I am curious to see who the ten semi-finalists and two finalists are. Although after watching the spoiled "Feast" that is this year's "Project Greenlight," I don't have high hopes for the rebirth of the television sitcom. I'm still going to physical therapy from the time I watched five minutes of "Two and a Half Men."

Jason Marcuson said...

What a brilliant take! I work in The Book Publishing Industry, and I can tell you that you're right on, bookstores probably do need more boobs to get people in the door. Well, independent bookstores anyway. The two big chains (you know who they are) don't have such problems. Americans can trudge into these places after the trip to Old Navy and before grabbing groceries and guns at Wal-Mart.

Grendel said...

Brando, I don't have a shovel, but there are a couple of rakes and a leaf blower in our shed. And several bricks. El Gordo has a sledgehammer, I believe. You will need these if you enter further contests, because trying to write a smart sitcom is like trying to affix a yoke on an oxymoron.

In fairness to Ms. Anderson, didn't she go through desiliconification a few years ago, and is hence renaturalized to her former proper proportions, though fairly bursting as they may still be?

El Gordo de Amore said...

How you can think this is not genius is beyond me.

And I do have a sledgehammer ...

a sledgehammer of love for STACKED.

(The above quote available for book blurbs).

Brando said...

El Gordo, there is a fan club on the Web site. You'll probably be the first member. And you should sign up quickly before they get cancelled after three shows.

A sledgehammer is no good. It tends to localize the brain damage too much, likely disabling some brain functions but not rendering the victim a moron. The larger surface area of a shovel spreads the damage more evenly while also stimulating the section that produces fart jokes.

Jane said...

It's an absolutely inane concept, yes. But maybe 'Stacked' will do for bookstores what 'Friends' did for coffee shops. (Feel free to quote me on that.) I say anything to get people into bookstores is a good thing. And if it takes T&A, well, so be it. If I'm ever on a book tour, I'll be sure to bring some strippers along.

What I fear most is that all references to books / authors / writing / etc. on the show will be utterly ignorant and inane. We must all watch and witness the horror so we have something new to be outraged about.

MSF said...

i waited, in the hopes that i wouldn't have to be the one to do this, but apparently i do. ms. anderson re-boobified at some point after her implant removal. apparently she missed her girls.

http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/21462004.htm

Grendel said...

Thanks, MSF, for keeping abreast of the situation and nipping this error in the bud. I really haven't cared enough to go tit for tat following Ms. Anderson's career, and so I feel a bit of a boob.