Michael Shiavo removes Pope's feeding tube

Vatican City -- While his in-laws talked to the media and mourners in Florida, Michael Shiavo apparently slipped off to Rome, managed to sneak into the Pope's apartment, and de-inserted the holy feeding tube. He was caught by guards shortly afterward and taken into custody.

Pope John Paul II suffered heart failure during the night, but remains in stable but grave condition, according to papal doctors. "His Holiness was not harmed by this prank. He is responsive and wants to live." When asked whether the Pope was in a vegetative state, one physician said, "Not quite, and if he was it would not be like a tomato. More like an eggplant, a lively eggplant."

A statement read by Shiavo's lawyer declared that the Pope "would not have wanted to live like a vegetable" and should be "allowed to die with dignity." He called on the Italian government to "stay out of it. This is between my client and the Pope."

The portly pontiff was never in danger of starving. "His Holiness was only bereft of the precious NutriGlop for a few minutes," said a doctor.

In Florida, the Schindlers, Shiavo's former in-laws, reacted with shock and anger. "I wish Michael had a feeding tube," said Mrs. Schindler. "I wish a team of liberal, godless, Culture of Death Democrat lawyers and judges yanked it out and he collapsed somewhere on a cold sidewalk in agony and nobody helped him, not even to spit or pee in his mouth if he cried out for water, until he shrank and shriveled up and perished for famine and thirst, with his mouth open and a look of horror frozen on his face. That's what Jesus would want."

On the way out of St. Peters, Shiavo managed to briefly break away from guards long enough to snatch a small pigeon out of a cat's mouth and turn off a hose that had been watering some roses, according to police.