South Coast Journal, September 1

WASHINGTON -- President Bush announced today that China has agreed to cede over the majority of its eastern territory to be incorporated into the new, free, strip-tease-loving county of Exxotexabeepeeaville.

"This is a great day for freedom, and a great day for America! Through diplomacy, we have avoided escalating the striptease crisis into a war," said President Bush.

Government insiders report that a temporary government and drilling equipment are already on their way to the region.

Pastiegate, as the crisis has been referred to in the media, began when China started a policy of cracking down on traditional striptease at Chinese funerals.

Economists saw in today’s announcement more reasons for the Federal Reserve to leave short-term interest rates unchanged again when its policy committee meets on Sept. 20.

“With the new creation of the oil-rich land of Exxotexabeepeeaville, there is no reason to suspect that the Fed will do anything other than keep rates on hold at 5.25 percent again,” wrote Paul Ashworth, senior United States economist for Capital Economics.

The President was clearly thrilled with the announcement. "When I called the King of China yesterday, I said, "This is George -- we need to do something about striptease! He agreed. And we reached an agreement. This is about the freedom to be free and free your boobies or the boobies of those you love as you see fit. Laura, get over here!" said the President during his press conference.

The Chinese Ambassador had little comment. "Wait. Who called? I did what now?"

President Bush said, "This was not about economics! This is not about oil! This is not about my friends and their wonderful, wonderful mutual funds and yachts full of drugs and girls. This is about the right of even godless bastards like the Chinese to send off their dead as they see fit, as long as it is done heterosexually and in a Christian manner!"

Stocks gained on the news, with prices moving up slightly in early trading today.

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