Absentee ballot finally arrives

Now, if I could just figure out who to vote for...

Barack Obama of Illinois / Joe Biden of Delaware / Democratic
Um, I'm a little too hip to fall for this? This ticket is waaay overexposed and far too popular. This would be like saying U2 is your favorite band. Plus, I dig that Obama's a brother and all, but the other geezer clearly has a rug and false teeth. What if they fell out during an important meeting? Our country's peoples would look like fools, that's what.

John McCain of Arizona / Sarah Palin of Alaska / Republican
Not a chance. One has a foot so far in the grave they think it's a new species of Chinese mushroom, and the other shoots wolves from planes with a rifle, which is the dumbest thing I've ever seen, because anyone with half a brain would use an AK on fully automatic or at least hand grenades.

Chuck Baldwin of Florida / Darrell L. Castle of Tennesee / Constitution Party
Much as I'd get a chuckle out of hearing "President Baldwin" on the radio, I just don't think any country should have to have a vice president from Tennessee named Darrell. That's asking for trouble.

Cynthia McKinney of California / Rosa Clemente of North Caroline / Green Party
An actual chance to break that cracked glass ceiling. However, I think you need to have a bit more imagination than naming your party after a color. Duh! A lot of people like blue, red, etc.

Bob Barr of Georgia / Wayne A. Root of Nevada / Libertarian Party
I am stoked that the top dude thinks it's cool to smoke spliffs and all, but when I look at this ticket I immediately hear the Beastie's, "I Kick It Root Down, I Put My Root Down, It's Not A Put Down, I Put My Foot Down," which is a killer track I grant you, but not for four straight years, let alone eight, which is how long the Libertarians would be in if they ever won.

Gloria La Riva of California / Robert Moses of Maryland / Party for Socialism and Liberation
Another ceiling buster, but another mental song problem. "President La Riva said today..." I would be thinking "La Riva, arriba, andale, andale, epa, epa, epa!" No can do. I mean, I like Taco Bell and all, but we are talking the US presidency here, not some superfast way to find cheese.

Ralph Nader of Connecticut / Matt Gonzalez of California / Peace and Freedom Party
Ralph Nader is from Connecticut? And his party has that name? Didn't know that. But I can never forgive him for what he did in 2000. (He cut in front of me at the Minneapolis Airport Cinnabon.) And I'm sorry, someone came here from Mexico and named their kid Matt? Seriously? Doesn't bode well on the judgment issue.

Brian Moore of Florida / Stewart A. Alexander of California / Socialist Party
As much as I think it's high time to have a president named Brian, I can't vote for that Wall Street philosophy. We lost all our money! Give us all the tax dollars! You know what? Give me a break. I work for my money and I don't go around asking for welfare checks.

James Harris of California / Alyson Kennedy of New Jersey / Socialist Worker's Party
Again there would be an investment banker's slant on everything, this time I guess for the people who clean those sky-rises, the janitors and elevator engineers and whatnot. Again I ask, what about Main Street? And I don't see a lot of difference between this party and the last one. Shouldn't you at least make yourself different in some way besides adding one word?

So, I dunno. Maybe I won't vote at all. But according to the instructions, I have to send the ballot back even if I don't want to vote, marking -- get this -- "Not Voted" on the envelope. I have totally entered a vortex of responsibility that includes the responsibility of participating in order to not participate. And that's just stupid. Not even vice president Darrell would come up with that, I'll bet. Maybe I should give him a second look. Also, you have to mark it in pencil. Why do they require you to use the one type of writing instrument that can be erased? So they can erase it, that's why.

At any rate, I look forward to seeing all these people in the debates! Maybe that will help me decide.