Redlefsen Christmas Letter, Draft 3
I hope you are enjoying your holidays!
As many of you know, "Tax" Dodge and Larry Butterbutt ratted Ted out to the Feds, so Ted's firm is fucked -- F-U-K-K-E-D! I'm sure those two bastards will get what's coming to them. In fact, I just bought a gallon of gasoline and I'm heading over to their houses now! Here, I come Margie and Nell! Tee Hee! BAD NEWS -- since our house got taken and I'm now in this dump-crap motor home at Ocean View Estates (the only ocean I ever see is the guy next door who likes to piss out his back door -- Ha Ha!), we're not having a holiday party and Rhonda and Raul can't get drunk and try to hump each other in my linen closet this year. I hope your spouses don't get to this letter first!!! That could be a big surprise for them!!! Hah! Hah! Hah!
Before we became limited to conjugal visits, Ted and I passed our 25th year of living hell together. He rented some red pinto with the roof cut off with a chain saw, and since we didn't have any money, we shoplifted a couple of Mickey's Big Mouths and passed out under the boardwalk. The bastard took that opportunity to tell me that my engagement ring wasn't being "polished" -- and that if the motherfucking horse had come in like it was motherfucking supposed to, everything would be just motherfucking peachy! (Excuse my French!) He gave me a bread loaf twist tie as a replacement (-- "it's the thought that counts" -- right, girls!!! Hah! Hah! M.F.-Hah!).
Since those rat bastards sold us out, Rory's been turning tricks down at the end of the pier where the men dress as ladies -- she's running a handjob special, if any of you old leches that used to stare at her during our pool parties want to trot on down there (Although some of you have been by to see her -- I'm looking at you, Artie! You fuck!)
Roger and I drove past some colleges on the way to dropping Ted off at Sing Sing -- let's face it, Roger is too dumb to pass an obedience test. I asked Rory if she needed an intern, but she'd probably have to draw him a map (Ha! Ha! HA!!)
And, just to add to my fucking terrible life, Ted's rat-bastard father (who never, ever liked me), finally took his own life and that of Ted's flea-bitten dog -- murder-suicide while the Feds were trying to kick in the door (I supposed IT WAS romantic!! I wouldn't put it past him!! HA HAH!!)
Hopefully, I won't see next year!
And for the kids, there's no Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, or God-damned Tooth Fairy, Either!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Burn in Hell!