My fellow Americans, I'll be brief, because I know at least half of you are sick and tired of looking at my ridiculous, simian smirk. You should be glad you don't see it in the bathroom mirror every morning, let me tell you (pause for laughs). I've been doing a lot of thinking the past few weeks. That's why I've chosen this extraordinary day to reveal that I have been born again -- again. In short, I see now that I have behaved like a God-damned asshole, that I have been probably the worst president, the most inept and senseless commander-in-chief, and the most hypocritical moral leader of recent times, and that I got reelected only because Karl Rove is the reincarnation of Rasputin and has access to the Lower Powers that they told me about in Skull and Bones but that I never really believed in.
I am renouncing my membership in the Republican Party and stepping down from this office. In my place, I want to call up here the man who really won the election, had all the votes been counted, Senator John Kerry (is he here? there he is -- come on up here, John). I am relieving the cabinet of its duties and I trust President Kerry will speedily appoint a new one that doesn't sell out democracy to powerful business interests, one that is more reflective of the American people and their beliefs, hopes, faith in justice and fairness, and history of good sense, the recent two elections notwithstanding.
The more I ponder what this country was built on and consider the intentions of our wise founding fathers, the more I am disgusted and dismayed with all I have gotten away with over the past four years. I intend to retreat humbly into private life to study up on everything I have been so wrong about. Perhaps I'll go back to grad school. I don't know yet. What I do know is this: Y'all deserve a leader who doesn't duck out of his own military service and then start a war for oil based on lies and carefully managed deception; who doesn't recklessly run up the biggest deficit in history without even acknowledging the staggering, irresponsible arrogance of doing so; who doesn't let the basest, most simplistic, and most ignorant among our population establish command over public rhetoric; who doesn't misuse religion to convince common, rural folk to cut taxes on billionaires; who doesn't propose consititutional amendments that would restrict the rights of our gay and lesbian brothers and sisters; and who won't threaten the balance of democracy by appointing yet another right-wing hang-em-high curmugeon to the higest court in the land. That man is John Forbes Kerry.
To my former supporters, I have only this to say: Wake up -- wake up to the march of history, wake up to common sense, wake up to your blind adherence to horrendous policies that even end up hurting y'all, except for the billionaires. Wake up. Wake the fuck up, for fuck's fucking fuck sake, before it's too late, before the oldest continual democracy on earth goes down this blind alley too far and can't get out. God bless all of you, God bless President Kerry, and God bless the United States of America.