(AP) Washington D.C. -- Tired of our old, tongue-tying, spell check defying, national motto, "E. Pluribus Unum"? It seems everybody is. And so is our government.
This month, the United State Government LLC has begun accepting nominations for a new motto. The final decision will be made by a secret judicial court somewhere deep below the mountains of western Virginia. The winner will be announced next month by an all-star panel, including Paris Hilton, Donald Trump, and Kevin Federline. Ashlee Simpson is slated to sing at the celebratory gala.
"I'm voting for Conan -- I've always loved that little scamp," declared Vice President Dick Cheney. "And, for a barbarian to have risen so far in United States politics is really a tribute to the American people."
"I like Dick," responded President George W. Bush. He then declined to elaborate, having noticed a shiny spot on the ceiling.
"I think it's really time for a change. Latin is a dead language, and when I go around the world picking brown people to kill, I can't really get the folks behind the old, tired motto -- I'm really hoping for an English winner. And, with the choices stacked in our favor, I think I'll get it," said Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. "Now that we're invading Iran, we need something with a lot more zip!"
The nominations are:
"Crush your enemies, drive them before you, and hear the lamentations of their women." Conan the Barbarian.
"Go ahead, make our day." Dirty Harry.
"I'm not going to pay a lot for this oil!" Mufflerworld.
"Devora feces et morimini!" Julius Caeser.
"America! Fuck Yeah!" Gary the puppet.
"We Poop on You!" Triumph the Insult Comic Dog
Nominations will be accepted until the final decision is announced.